TELL ME DON'T I OR DO I

1084 words

JACE PATRICK ARCHER

wearing something; idek what this is. i'm sorry x.x

AM I STILL ENOUGH, TELL ME

kaitlyn watched as the girl struggled under his hold, trying to get away from him, from this room. she needed to get out. "wake up kaitlyn, wake up." she kept thinking to herself, but nothing worked. she was trapped. forced to rewatch the scene play out in front of her eyes. she knew what was to come next. she didn't want to watch this. couldn't watch this. it was the same dream every night. that's if you could even call it a dream. she was constantly pulled into this nightmare, and nothing ever changed. she's tried to change it. force herself to think of something else. to dream of something happier. something less… depressing. when that didn't work, she tried to change the course of what would happen. she tried to force the dream her to stop drinking or to not go into the room. she tried to get the dream her to leave before it got bad. but no matter what she did, the same thing always happened. nothing ever changed. she watched as dax ripped the dress off the dream her. she could feel the telltale sign of nausea building up at the pit of her stomach. "no. wake up kait." she couldn't watch the next scene. couldn't start riley's part. kaitlyn jolted awake from the blaring of her alarm, heart racing. she turned off her alarm, and flew toward the bathroom, lifting the toilet seat as she crouched over it, heaving. when she was done heaving whatever liquid she could muster, she forced herself to stand up and wash up. it was a dread every morning, forcing herself to go through the motions of getting ready. of having to face herself in the mirror. to look into the eyes of the girl who put her sister in a coma, brain dead. she closed her eyes and turned her head away from the mirror. she couldn't think about it anymore. shouldn't. because she knew what would happen next. she'd want to contact her family back at home. she'd be tempted to fly back to santorini and see riley. she'd try to get her family to see her side. to make her understand what had happened. but that meant she was trying to say that it wasn't her fault. that she shouldn't be blamed for this. but she was responsible for it. for all of it. and this was her punishment, and she would just have to suffer for it. 

she sighed, rubbing her face as she changed out of her pyjamas. the second she was ready, the tasks were already lined up for her, taped to her door. she took the sheet and skimmed over the list, already predicting what most of the tasks would be. it was the same every day. wash the dishes, do the laundry, clean the house, wash the pool, tend the garden, prepare the meals, and get the cars cleaned. that was the list the girls' parents had for her. the girls, on the other hand, had a whole other list of things for her to do. it was mainly their homework, but sometimes there were the odd tasks of buying their lingerie or fixing their laptop. but she didn't mind doing the same thing over and over again. it gave her something to do. mindless tasks she could do without putting much thought into. she was used to this now. it's been her life the past five years. this was something she could understand and explain. it was something that would keep her mind off of any focus of her past. all parts of her past, including jace. because if she started to think about it, she would over think things and she would be stuck in the endless cycle of getting dragged into her emotions for him once again. and that… was something she could not do at the moment. she had to focus on school, and concentrate on how to not get in trouble with the girls. because god knows they have a habit of making her life a living hell. although, she supposed she had been there to begin with already. at the rate she was going, she felt like she would never get into med school and study something that would actually contribute to society. and in order to actually get into med school, she would actually have to keep up her grades, which was certainly something she hasn't been doing lately. only because the girls kept her busy throughout the day and even into the night. 

she pushed her hair back into a ponytail and got started on her tasks for the day. she begun with the cleaning tasks as per usual, and then worked her way around the house, making sure there were no dust or stains. although she knew there wouldn't be because she had cleaned it the day before and the day before that. still, she did them anyway, and then worked on the things outside of the house. when all that was done, she tackled the girls' tasks, having no trouble with their homework whatsoever. she didn't condone what she did for the girls, but the whiteley's had told her that it was her responsibility to make sure the girls got a's in any means necessary. if they didn't get straight a's, she would be out of a job. and she kind of needed the job, so she did whatever the girls told her to. by the time she was finally finished with the tasks, she made dinner for them despite the fact that they ate separately. by the time mr. whiteley had gotten home, he had dismissed her to do whatever it is that she needed to do as long as she was back by ten at night to care for the toddler's cry at night. so she begun her process of showering and then taking her study materials after she has changed and finding a small cafe to study in. because god forbid she would not get any studying done in the whiteley's house. she got into the car and drove to the usual cafe just a few blocks down. a quite little place where not many knew about. kaitlyn had only discovered this place through a classmate of her's who liked to study there. she parked her car and got herself settled in an isolated table with a cup of london fog by her side, completely forgetting she had previously made plans with jace. 

x

THEY FILLED IT UP WITH NOVOCAINE AND NOW I'M JUST NUMB---------------------------------

with only two classes in his schedule today, jace took the non-class time to catch up on some sleep. it had been eluded him more often these days and probably because of the day that was coming up. unlike kait, he did not dream about it, he did not think about it, he could look himself in the mirror but it was often with distain with what he saw. he did not find it difficult to live because jace decided long ago that he would live for the life that was taken. he would live twice as hard for both of them and not let the weight sit on his shoulders. but that did not mean that the guilt completely vanished from his psyche, he still had to deal with the day which was rapidly approaching on his calendar. another thing that was approaching was finals, the final turn in both his and kait’s post high school education and he was already starting to get the senioritis. his grades were still up there, quite high actually, but his motivation to do anything more than celebrate was low. he needed an evening that was dedicated to work, studying and maybe a little bit of kait. they had missed each other, in terms of communication, quite a bit. he was often home too late to reply to her texts or something distracted him from calling her back and he was always getting quick messages as she ran around for those fucking brats or voicemail because she was doing tasks at the house. he hated that job for her, they worked her like a dog but when was she actually going to listen to anyone but herself? shaking his head, jace rolled over and glanced to the clock. she should have been here by now—or close to. they would probably find somewhere else to study but this was the meeting spot, his dorm. his bed was always a sore spot for her, she never seemed to sit on it and always opted for his roommate’s bed across or the common room. his eyes rolled skyward to the thought. he had company in this bed all the time but never kait. he never got the chance to get the one girl that he truly wanted but had yet to realize it. grumbling, he sat up and scratched at his bare chest, pulling the covers off his legs and walking into the common room. one of his roommates was there as he strolled to the mini fridge and grabbed a bottle of water, ”did anyone come while i was napping?’, he asked but he got three girls’ name, none of which he cared about at this moment. furrowing his brows, he twisted the cap back onto his water and shook his head, ”fucking weird...”, he muttered while retreating back into his room. voicemail was all he got. sighing, jace grabbed for a shirt and jeans while deciding that he did not actually need kait to study and he could do it on his own—easily.

there was a small café that a few of his classmates spoke about. it apparently had a great latte—which jace was craving, and a good atmosphere for studying. neither of the roommates seemed surprised that jace wanted to study as he actually put effort into his work, when he cared enough about it. the home stretch was something that he did in fact care about. rolling his shoulders as he placed his messenger bag across his chest, jace trotted down the flight of stairs while making one last attempt to get a hold of kait. he sent a quick text simply asking where she was before putting his phone back into his pocket, forgetting that it was on silent as no one would disturb him during nap time. he felt refreshed after that sleep session and knew that his sleeping pattern was going to be a little warped but that might work in his favour when it came to studying. he needed complete silence, no distractions, no phone, no internet except for his social media being browsed once every two hours—his own rule—and a good cup of coffee. walking into the café, jace grabbed his drink first before looking around for a table when he spotted a very familiar girl, hunched over her own table that was kind of pushed away from everyone else. shaking his head, he shimmied his way around the other tables before dropping his latte on the table and sitting down across from her, not even asking if it was okay—”see if you change the meeting spot, you need to tell the other person so they don’t just stand around like an idiot wating…”, giving her a raised eyebrow look before taking a sip of his coffee. pulling out a large, heavy textbook, he grabbed for one of his highlighters and used his teeth to open the cap while his other hand was searching for the right chapter.

KAITLYN DAHLIA STAVROS, JEANS & SHIRT, 837, he's hiding his annoance

930 words

JACE PATRICK ARCHER

outfit; kinda shorter/better

AM I STILL ENOUGH, TELL ME

kaitlyn knew she should not let this plague her. that she should seek some help and talk to someone about it. she knew holding it in was not healthy. to not talk about it with anyone. the only time she had ever tried to talk to someone about it had been with jace, and she hadn't exactly told him the whole story. she never told anyone the whole truth before. she just couldn't. but she should have because jace would have understood. and he wouldn't judge her because he knew what it was like. he was in a similar situation. he knew what it was like to have someone else's life on your hands. to understand the guilt that ate you up inside. the what if's that constantly run through your mind. the hope that it was you instead of them. but the thing about jace was that he dealt with it differently. he didn't think about it. he thought he could do it by living for his brother too. for the both of them. kait couldn't do that. couldn't live the life riley wanted because she thought it would be like she was trying to steal her sister's identity. because if she lived for the both of them, it would be like this is okay. it is okay for her to move on even though her sister was on the hospital bed, brain dead. like it was no big deal. when, in fact, it was. it was a big deal because even though riley was the rebellious child that would do anything just to make their parents pissed, she was still the favourite in their parents eyes. riley was loved and spoiled. they had such high hopes for her older sister. and if she ever decided to live for the both of them, their parents would just think that she was trying to replace riley. to somehow justify her mistake. but it has been years. it was going on six years now, and not a single day has gone by that she has not let the guilt eat her up inside. because it should have been her. she should have been the one to drive that night. it was her turn. it was her responsibility to make sure that riley didn't get in the driver's seat. it should have been her on that hospital bed, not riley. her older sister has always been the one who would have moved on to do great things.

"no." she shook her head. she couldn't think that. what has happened has happened. she had to live with the consequences. let god punish her the way she should be punished. she couldn't keep thinking about the what if's because there was no turning back. she had made the mistake and now she was paying the price. not only with her family, but in all aspects of her relationships. the one good thing that had happened to her after moving to new york had been with jace, and now even that was rocky. because if she was being realistic, she was not his type. she was not blonde, for one, and she just didn't have the same look as the other girls. the girls he brought back to his dorm to do things that she didn't want to do. that she wasn't comfortable with doing. sometimes she thought it was laughable that she used to be that girl. the old kait would have no problem getting jace hooked. the old kait would have had him eating off the palm of her hands. she would have flirted her way through and he would be interested, no doubt about it. but she was no longer that girl. she didn't party or drink. and she most certainly did not flirt. not like that. because she's learned her lesson. if she flirted the way old kait had flirted, things would go bad. bad things happen. but even though it killed her to know that jace was sleeping with other girls, and that he was no longer her boyfriend, she would still rather be something to him than nothing at all. sometimes it was tough. sometimes they went for weeks without talking. her with being busy doing work for the whiteley's and him doing other things. they just never could get their timing right. maybe it was a sign that they just weren't meant to be. but if only her heart had truly believed that then maybe she could let herself move on. maybe she'd be able to ease the pain every time she saw jace with another girl. a prettier, taller, perfect girl. but then she had to reminder herself that maybe it was for the better. that maybe if she saw him with another girl enough times, she'd learn to stop loving him. to stop going back to him every time he needed her. but who was she kidding? she would do anything for him. sighing, she shook her head again, willing herself to actually concentrate on some school work. she glanced up with a slight jump in her seat when she heard someone put their cup down on the table. her eyes widened in horror, "oh my gosh. we were supposed to study together today." she had completely forgotten. "jace, i am so sorry! i lost track of the days of the week and…" wait. did he just say that he had waited? for her…? she was at a loss for words for a moment before she caught herself. "how can i make it up to you?"

x

THEY FILLED IT UP WITH NOVOCAINE AND NOW I'M JUST NUMB---------------------------------

there were a handful of things that jace needed to live, to keep himself sane and live up to that double life promise. sex and alcohol were among them, the things that usually were fused together in a situation as he often woke up with a unknown woman in his bed and as soon as his hungover mouth slurred something, his company was usually out the door. he had a reputation and yet, girls still lined up to be with the campus manwhore, no matter what terrible things they heard. jace had a bite and a bark and very little regret for unleashing either. he rarely apologized for his opinions and could flip a switch at the snap of a finger. he was complex and confusing but so was kait and maybe that was what actually kept him still connected to her. getting exactly what he wanted the first month of their relationship would have had him pushing her out the door of his life but she clawed her way back in with that innocent smile that always had something underlying. he had heard the stories but never believed them. it just seemed too good to be true that innocent little kait was actually something of a wild child who drank, smoked and partied like a normal young adult. he could not picture it, or maybe he did not want to. his mind needed to worry about more important things than kait’s possible past—he really did not even care, he did not need to care. the girl that she presented was too sugar coated that sometimes, she left a sour taste in his mouth. sighing, he gathered up his studying materials and tossed them into his bag. he needed to get away from the shooting game background noise that was filing his dorm room, his roommates shouting at one another and the screen with hopes that it would better their aim. jace was the champ of the dorm so far but he imagined one day that his high score would be pushed down to the second spot. he was a little too competitive and the idea of someone doing that irked him a little but he had little time to worry about that right now—he had to get some studying down.

throwing an insult along with his goodbye to the two pushing and shoving roommates, he rolled his eyes as he exited the dorm and made his way to the stairwell, skipping steps as he went. his breath was a little more laboured and he figured shoving in a bit of gym time later would not be a bad idea either—might even help to reenergize him and refocus that busy mind of his. the café was rumored to be a hidden gem that many students knew about but never actually visited. he had never actually studied in such a public space but he figured that there was no harm in trying something new. grabbing his latte and sipping it, he searched for a table before his eyes found an open spot, in the corner and across from the one woman that he might have actually tried to avoid. the simple fact that he had waited a whole ten minutes of his life—jace being quite punctual—was astounding. it showed the effect that she had on him. dropping his coffee onto the table, he gave her a signature smirk to the surprise expression and little jump in her seat, ’well i didn’t realize you would be that excited to see me..”, his voice dropping to a huskier register as he took his seat and proceeded to unload his bags of notebooks, his laptop and books. her reaction was far too dramatic for him and he shook his head, letting out a deep sigh as he started to flip the pages of his textbook and pulled out the yellow highlighter—never using any other colour for final studying. it was a bit superstitious but it had been a working tradition since first year. ”wow, calm the fuck down. how did you lose track of the days of the week? it’s wednesday.”, dropping the highlighter into the spine of his textbook as he reached for his latte. jace was aware of her working schedule but her class schedule was always a bit of a mystery to him. he never understood how she managed to juggle everything and never bothered to ask either. she had her own life and he had his and sometimes, they intertwined. well, the next question out of her mouth intrigued him. how could she not realize what she was saying? ”you should really watch what you say sometimes. words like that can get you into trouble.”, sipping on his drink before using his other hand to pull the screen of his laptop up and then spinning it so it sat like a tablet, revealing a hoard of notes that he had taken from his last class. he then pursed his lips as the wheels turned in his head, leaning into the table, maybe even pushing it more into her ribs, ”kisses make everything better.”.

KAITLYN DAHLIA STAVROS, JEANS & SHIRT, 863, and he's back.

1033words

JACE PATRICK ARCHER

outfit; lots of rambles

AM I STILL ENOUGH, TELL ME

kaitlyn definitely differed from jace in many ways. there was no doubt that they each had their separate ways of dealing with their misfortunes. her with working 24/7 while juggling school, and him with alcohol and sex. in another time, before the incident, maybe she would have dealt with tough situations with alcohol as well. let her mind go blank with the buzz of alcohol in her system. she used to enjoy the way alcohol made her feel. the extra confidence that entered into her system. although at that time, she wouldn't have needed that extra boost. she had been bordering conceited at the time. it wasn't that she overtly bragged about her beauty, but she was no stranger to the mirror either. her and her sisters were known for their fair skin, gorgeous smile, and innocent light brown eyes. what hooked people in the most, though, were their dimples. while all the stavros siblings had them, kait's was the most prominent - especially in the way that she smiled. sometimes she didn't even have to say a word. she just had to smile and she would have guys falling at her feet. not that she particularly liked being the centre of attention. she just liked the idea of being desirable - even if it's just by one person. riley was the one who craved attention and the boys, who would wrap the boys around her fingers. her sister always had a line up of boys, waiting at her feet, doing whatever she needed them to do. her sister liked the power and the control. but kait was never comfortable with conforming people to fit her needs. usually it was the other way around. she was the one who would fit herself into whatever mould people wanted her to be. she didn't mind because that was just in her people pleasing nature. however, the alcohol always helped with calming her nerves. and she often missed that. having some liquid courage. she knew what it was like to lose herself in a drunken stupor. she could understand why jace resorted to it. but if he knew the truth, all of it, would he stop? would he change or understand that she could never be that girl he wanted her to be? she could no longer trust alcohol because she could only associate it with the accident. bad things happen when you drink. would jace change the way he looked at her if she told him what happened that night? would he understand why she couldn't sit on his bed without thinking about dax? about what he had done or tried to do that night? she didn't know, but she knew one thing for certain, and that was she didn't want to lose jace. she couldn't risk him knowing the truth. knowing the kind of girl she was or that she had been assaulted. because she was afraid that if he knew the old kait, he would try to change her. make her become the old kait again. and she just couldn't. she can't be that girl who parties and defies authority. there were consequences.

there was just too much at stake. she can't lose the one friend that she actually has in new york. despite having moved here for almost six years now, she had not seemed to be able to make a single friend. what with her busy schedule at school and the non stop work the whiteley's had lined up for her, it was a surprise she had even managed to keep her friendship with jace to begin with. kaitlyn never had the time to make friends or hang out with people. but it was lonely sometimes, when she didn't have any work to do, and jace was busy with another girl or he was out with his friends. she never knew what to do with her free time except to study some more. it was why people think she was a keener. she was always ahead in class. if only they knew the truth. it wasn't that she wanted to be a keener. it was just that she had no social life. she had nothing to do other than to study. which is quite often why she was here at this cafe. it was familiar and nobody bothered you because everybody else was busy studying. except, of course, she seemed to always be the only person who sat alone. which was much more depressing than kait had originally thought. it was quite pathetic, really. she was always alone. which is why she was so surprised to see someone join her at the table. this never happened. "i'm not" she muttered defensively under her breath, "well, i mean, i am… excited to see you that is. i just… i wasn't… i didn't expect anyone to join me." she wanted to let her forehead slam down on the table. she was rambling and she was being an idiot. she was only jace hadn't heard her initial mumbling otherwise she'd be in some trouble. she winced slightly at the curse word that left his mouth. something she had never really gotten comfortable around here. kaitlyn never cussed, and was not a big fan of hearing it either, but she let it slide. she shrugged, "i haven't really been sleeping much the past few days." which wasn't out of the ordinary for her. sometimes she went for days with just a meal or two and little to no sleeps. that was just the demands of her teeny bopper employers and her never ending school work. her cheeks flushed a deep crimson red, "oh… i…" didn't mean it that way, she was going to say, but that much was obvious. she bit down on her lip, embarrassed and temporarily afraid to say anything else. kaitlyn widened her eyes at him with a gasp of shock, "jace!" she chastised, shaking her head. "i… we're not even…" together anymore, but she didn't finish the sentence. she didn't want to make him mad or annoyed. she paused for a moment, biting her lip before letting it go again, "but i suppose one…. on the cheek, of course, would be okay."

x

THEY FILLED IT UP WITH NOVOCAINE AND NOW I'M JUST NUMB---------------------------------

with precious studying time ticking away, jace had tried to crack open his books in his own bedroom that he shared with one of his three other roommates. they actually had quite a large layout for a dorm and had been pleased to have gotten it when his plans for an apartment had fallen through at the beginning of the year. jace had some power over everyone. he found a way to get himself above them, giving himself the upper hand and he had done that with the residence lady who sat behind the desk popping her gum at him. she was in the past, an easy lay and then a great dorm—it was a win-win for him. but his three other roommates were a downfall, while jace cared about his studies, he had been giving roommates that just fucked, played video games and slept most of their senior year away. he could not afford to do that. he needed to stay focused with the end of the year just around the corner. they were so fucking close to graduating. only a handful of papers and tests left and he could be pushed into the real world which jace knew he was hardly ready for but he wanted it to come anyway. he was fearful of what to come but he knew that he would not be alone in that retrospect. however, a possible companion for the future had stood him up. he was not shocked, nor was he upset, but he was annoyed. so instead of sitting in his dorm and studying with call of duty shooting happening in the background, he chose to go to a café. upon entering that said café, he looked around for an empty seat. he had actually been heading over to a table with two blondes and one other guy who did not stand a chance but someone else caught his attention. katilyn, the very girl who was supposed to show up at his dorm about an hour ago was sitting at an empty table and the spot across from her was empty—perfect.

she jumped, as expected, the second that his stuff hit the surface of the table. a smirk came to his lips as he had already gotten the upperhand just by showing up. his presence would eventually jog her memory that she was supposed to have met up with him and that in turn would mean that she would feel bad and grovel—same bit, same thing. she was far more predictable than jace liked. he always knew she would stutter her way through their conversation with a flushed expression because being around him made her nervous and he knew exactly why. his smirk grew as she began to splutter her words out, not forming complete sentences or anything that really made sense, ”i know you are excited to see me.”. he gave his eyes a skyward glance before sitting down, ”well someone is joining you.”, though he wasn’t just someone and jace was fully aware of that. just like she was not just someone to him. he had no idea what she was to him but he was equally intrigued and annoyed by her at all times. his expression dropped to annoyed, deadpanned, as she winced at his curse word, ”you’re fucking kidding me, right?”, he asked with a shake of his head as he continued to unload his backpack of books and his laptop, stacking everything and organizing it while he continued to just shake his head. he scoffed, ”you’re in university, no one gets any shut eye around here. or not a good one anyway.”, including himself but he took a quick survey around the room and he saw dark circles under many students’ eyes, frazzled hair because they forgot to shower or didn’t have time to—a lot of girls had their hair in that on-top-of-head bun that was really attractive for some reason. the guys had hats on, it was just a parade of sleepless young adults, turning his attention back to her, ”the girl over there looks like she hasn’t slept since first year. the guy behind you is actually falling asleep while eating a carrot stick..’, he shrugged before flipping open his book and finding the correct chapter and then then to the spot that he had left off. he looked up to see her cheeks were flushed, bright red, his eyes rolled again and he looked over to her, ”we’re not what?’, he teased, even leaning forward in his seat a little, his upper body just a little over the table, ”you don’t have to be dating to kiss…or fuck…”, he commented, feeling like he always had to remind her of that small fact, hoping it would lead to a realization for her. he shook his head to her attempt at compromise but one thing about jace was that he was stubborn and he was not really going to budge on this one, ”you had me miss a good fifteen minutes of studying time, plus the walk here so nearly an hour all together. a kiss to the cheek is worth less than that…”, but he leaned back into his seat, no longer pushing her with his actions but now his words as he bit down on the top of the highlighter, his eyes following the words on the page before looking up to her after a couple of minutes, ”do you not agree?”.

KAITLYN DAHLIA STAVROS, JEANS & SHIRT, 922, such a dick.