ROUSSEAU, lena demi

I took the path that you would never want for me, gave you hell through all the years

21 | (BASICALLY) ASEXUAL | SINGLE | BARISTA/DANCER | COLLEGE | BRITT ROBERTSON

Lena D. Rousseau,

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when you were five: your name was lena demi rousseau. you were at a six year old vocabulary level. you were moving out of england. god and religion was a staple in your house. you actually liked preschool. you were to be in the front row of the church every sunday. you had an older brother named david. he was three years older than you. your mother was dutiful and carefree. your new room was going to be pink. your favorite show featured animated cats. you could fall asleep without music. your feet tapped whenever you heard a good tune. you were moving to a place called kentucky. the time between lena being born and when the rousseau’s left england is fuzzy for the twenty one year old. she can’t go back into her memory bank and serve up the details of the house that they lived in or the car that the family had. she could not remember the church that her father spoke at either. none of it really resonated with the blonde. she could not tell you the name of her first preschool or that she had been tested for autism due to her muteness as a child. she was just shy, that has yet to really change but in england, lena never really felt comfortable. she grew up there for five years and yet, it never really felt like home. in reality, she knew the simple facts of life that came with her to Kentucky and that was – she had a brother, a mother and a father and they were all close. they were a family and her mother put an importance on family time, being together and being there for one another. that was something that lena has never forgot. when you were ten: you are the priest’s daughter. you still go to church every Sunday. your toe tapping has evolved to dancing. you really like dancing. your brother is becoming a scientist. you never understood science until now. you are silently beginning to question faith. you eat dinner at 8 o’clock. you excel in the arts but struggle in the practical subjects. your brother is to be your tutor next year. you have a best friend, only one. you are bullied a bit in school. you don't like the taste of coffee. you are allowed two sodas a week and you always choose mtn. dew. you're beginning to explore the world and yourself. your brother and father fight a lot and mention your name. you have a secret spot that you go and practice your dancing at. your diary is under your mattress and contains only three entries. you like to wear floral patterns. so at ten years old, lena had been in the united states for five years. she had never really known why she was forced to move but this place, the small kentucky town that was not even on a map, was perfect to her. the town was small and close, everyone smiled and greeted one another. a walk to the grocery store down the street could take an hour due to how many people stopped you just to have a friendly conversation. the town was extremely religious too, she knew that much as well. the stores shut down and the streets were quiet when church was in session. lena went to most of the sermons that her father spoke at. the words never really made sense to her, things were a bit confusing to her but she never questioned what she had been taught. lena rarely doubted what people told her. it was one of the reasons that she got bullied, often tearing up but not letting them see her cry. she was stronger than that, or she liked to believe so. dance became her escape when she was ten years old. no bully or the mean things that they said could touch her when her feet were moving and she found herself lost in the music playing. her parents knew about her love for dancing or the passion that she developing for it and put her into classes at the local studio. lena did not take well to the upbeat, quick feet steps but ballet and even the broadway style was something that she really took to. lena could never guess that in the future, she would be doing the quick step movements that stumped her when she was ten years old. along with discovering her love of dance, lena was learning that art was also her kind of thing. she was more of a photographer, her father giving her an old camera and she took advantage of any moment to freeze memories. drawing and painting were a side hobby, something that she more did when life got her down which was not often so it was hard for lena to actually hone those skills. she often had a camera with her, even at ten years old and was always taking pictures of the town in every single kind of light. her brother wanted to let all the lights shine, good and bad. he wanted lena to understand that the world was both a blessing and a curse, a double edged sword that would slice her throughout her lifetime. her father was her shield, protecting her from all the bad in the world. this was his little girl after all. as lena aged out of the awkward preteen phase, her father was more inclined to keep her indoors while her brother often took her hand and led her out the door to explore every possible angle. her mother was humble about it all and tried to get both men to see that lena was a person who could choose for herself. when her brother was sixteen, he stopped coming home as much and seemed to be more interested in his friends. lena felt a bit abandoned but she never tried to tag along with her brother. but when he was around, he was always reading and usually outloud to lena but the books were not fairy tale stories, they were books about evolution, astronomy, science and art. he wanted her to know that there was more to life than just the religion that their father was shoving down their throats. when you were fifteen: everything you already knew. and nothing at the same time. your mother is a widow. you saw the bad of the world and you don't like it. you have been silent since the last scream. you are scarred. your brother is scarred. you raised your hand. you questioned the town's beliefs. the church is not a safe place. the town is not a safe place. dance is all you feel you have left. he sacrificed himself to save you. things took a turn for the worst when lena was fifteen. she had kept quiet about what her brother had been teaching her but sitting in class, learning about creationism instead of a evolution - not even given the option to explore the latter, lena spoke up. she never thought that the town would turn on her or her family. everything had been a little strange days after she asked about evolution and why it was not being taught. the town seemed to stand still when she or her family were out. they glared or whispered but lena never really thought anything of it. people whispered about her all the time as she passed by but her head was always held just a little high, her confidence being diminished bit by bit but that was the way of a teenager's life. the town plotted though, they plotted the demise of the blonde and her brother but her father got caught into the middle of it and ended up losing his life on the football field. they had been called to the principal's office, david and herself, and he scolded her for being so ignorant but her brother defended her, speaking on her behalf. then they were told to go home and the two fled the school. it was something out of of a horror movie. the football field was empty one moment as they trekked the back roads, a bit wary of the main roads at this moment and then the next, it was full. they pulled the two apart, having been walking arm and arm. lena was thrown to the ground, her backpack ripped away from her shoulders and tossed away. the books inside burned, same with her brother's. lena could only hear david fighting to get to her, shouting things like 'don't touch her' and 'get the fuck away from her'. she had never heard her brother curse and it took her by quite a surprise but the shock of that never came as her head was forced to be turned upward. three football players were holding her down as she kicked and punched, trying to fight her way. but the glint of a blade stopped her movement as a threat was ushered. her eyes were closed for the rest of the events, her head was forced to be turned and she screamed and thrashed as the blade sliced the skin between her neck and her shoulder. she tried to decode what pattern was being made by the feeling of the knife into her skin. she could not figure it out and with all the commotion, the screaming and the pain - lena blacked out. she woke up in her own bed, a bandage around the mark and her mother and brother standing at the front door holding one another. she soon found out that her father had heard of what was happening and rushed to the school. he tried to pull someone off her brother who suffered more than just a wonky star on the side of his body, and ended up being stabbed not once but twice. the wounds were too much and he died on the football field. lena could not even find the tears and even though her body ached, she ran out of her house to her own secret spot. at that moment, she took a vow of silence as it was her own words that had gotten her family into that much trouble. they stayed in that town for another couple of months, trying to pick up their lives but they couldn't succeed. david withdrew from his friends and lena receded into her own shell, giving up dancing, art and her own voice. she was skittish to touch, nightmares always plagued and she had this permanent look of exhaustion at all times. she just went to school and came home, slept, woke up for dinner and went back to bed. her classmates felt some remorse but lena really could not find it in her heart to forgive them for what they did. seven months later, they moved out to california where the family could start a new. lena finished her high school in almost complete silence and still kept to herself, becoming one with the walls as she traveled from grade to grade until she reached her senior year. it was three years of silence, her brother forwent college and got a job while her mother worked two. during her final year of high school, she began to slowly speak again, mostly to her family but eventually in school too - when she needed to. her words were not stringing together well, a stutter was ever present and still is to this day. she picked up dancing again, finding it to be a good way to clear her mind and just relax herself. she got lost in the music and soon after that, she picked up a camera again. when you were twenty: you are in new york. you are a dancer on a club stage. you also bus tables at a café. sometimes you take orders. you are usually in the background. you miss your family. you're still stuttering. you are still quiet. loud noises scare you. chocolate is a weakness of yours. you know people by their shoes. you're not social. you actually like coffee now. you have never had a drop of alcohol (except wine at church). you have not been back to church since the incident. you believe in evolution. you have no self confidence. you always wear your hair down or a t-shirt to cover your scar. you are ashamed of the scar. you don't like when fish touch you when you are doing a daily swim. you always wear a one piece bathing suit. what you know now: your boss is a little creepy. you bought an old blue pick up truck to get you around the town. you are not sure how to apply your almost degree to life. you want to write. you paint sometimes. you draw constantly. you find inspiration everywhere. you finally got your own expensive camera. you're behind a month on rent. your co-workers aren't always nice. you still stutter. you are a bit lost. you have a dog named bella. your brother might be visiting soon. you are actually excited about the unknown.

ERIN | EASTERN | 22 | @14 others

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ACCEPTED

ohey, good to finally see lena joining us. soon she'll have teagan around to look after her xD