ALMOST HAD YOU,

but i would rather feel the sting than never to have felt a thing------------------

rumors in the small town spread quickly as they passed from lips to ears and eventually, one got to ryan and it perked her interest. usually, she would let the rumors in one ear and out the other, never uttering to anyone but this rumour was told through text and something told her that it wasn’t a rumour. hunter and nixon were back. her eyes narrowed at the screen as she slammed her hand on the library table and startled those around her. a deep breath was taken in to calm herself down. peering up from her phone screen, she noticed pairs of eyes darting back and forth between books and her and she narrowed her own eyes, trying to smother their curiosity with her anger—seemed to work. most of the eyes darted back to their books and computer screens and did not seem to wander back to her. flitting her attention back to her phone, she scrolled through her contacts, sending a message to three people who she rarely spoken to since the pair had left town. she placed her phone by her book, leaning back into her chair and tilting her head back to suck in another deep breath. how the fuck was this possible? the boy left without a single word to her and now he had the audacity to return to town and not even—well, that was just like nixon actually. shaking her head, ryan returned back to her books, tossing her phone into the bag beside her chair. scoffing to the vibration that seconds later, ignoring it as she went through to finish highlighting the entire chapter before she reached for the device again-”it’s true.” was what was written on her screen and ryan growled lowly to herself but slammed her book shut and caught the attention of a few students around her. this time, she noted that their studying had been disrupted, ”sorry..”, grinding her teeth together as she threw everything back into her bag and marched out of the library in a huff, her phone gripped in her hands and the words still on the screen.

usually, ryan would have spent hours in the library, her phone was usually turned off but she was on call for deliveries if the new guy called in sick, as he seemed to do on every single friday night. she understood the desire to have a social life but the end of the weekdays were a popular day for parties and ,in direct correlation, deliveries as well. and even though her phone rang ad her parents number flashed, her walk suggested that she was on a mission to get somewhere. her phone may have been ringing, going off with the special ringtone that she had picked for the restaurant, but ryan was so zoned out and her sight was just tunnel vision. she thought maybe the garage would be his hiding spot but then, his apartment—old apartment—was where she ended up. it took only a few minutes of pacing the front door for someone to let her in, as they were going out. her footsteps were heavy as she went up the familiar four flights of stairs to his apartment. her phone went off again but this time, she slid the screen to ignore and then put the device on silent. there was no indication of him actually being in his apartment just by looking at his front door. she had to knock but each time that she lifted her hand, it would drop back down to her side. shaking her head, ryan stepped away from the door and put a hand to her forehead, slowly running it through her natural waves. ”what am i doing?...”, she muttered before making the executive decision to abort her plans and began to head down the hallway. just as she grabbed for the door of the stairwell and pulled it open, ryan hit something solid as her nose crunched into the person’s solid chest. jumping back, she grumbled while rubbing her nose, checking for blood, ”sugarfoot!”, her version of cursing, ”like running into a brick wall..SORRY SIR.”, her eyes moved up and before she even REACHED HIS NOSE, ryan knew exactly who she had just run into. she closed her eyes to intake all of this and finally popped her eyes open, revealing that mask that she usually put on for everyone else, as he fell into that department now, ”hello nixon."

nixon costello, outfit, apt hallway, 752 , she's calm. strange.

we're going down,

this road with tears in our rearview mirror. far from home but in the dark you know with me you've got nothing to fear, so let's run away------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things had not taken long to stir back up upon the arrival of Nixon Costello and Hunter Wright. Only a few days had passed before people began to whisper and a few weeks later, it was as if the whole town knew that the infamous trouble makers were back. Maybe some people would find some kind of gratification within that kind of popularity, even though it was of the bad variety. When he and his best friend left this place it was because they stirred more trouble then they could handle and had huge red targets painted on their backs. The time of their departure hadn't exactly been ideal for him. Nixon was forced to leave behind a lot of loose ends, but perhaps the most important of them had been his girlfriend at the time. Love wasn't something that the man ever found time for, but Ryan had been an exception. She mended his damaged heart after Averly tore it to pieces. He had fallen madly in love with her and the chemistry between them was like something he had never encountered before. However, nothing good stays. Of course he would have liked to bring the girl with him, and he was sure that she hated him because he didn't, but that wouldn't have been wise. He was no good. His bad temper would stay with him for the rest of his life and would only ever bring them trouble. Ryan deserved a better life than that and he decided to make the best of a really shitty situation. Nixon knew very well that he broke the girl's heart, but that's what she needed in order to move on and find something good for herself. He was hoping that was what she'd done during his absence. Eventually he was sure he would find out because this town was a very small one, but so far he hadn't had the pleasure of running into his former flame. Part of him was hoping it might stay that way though, because even though he wanted nothing but the best for her, Nixon knew that his jealousy would be nearly impossible to suppress if he saw her and found out that she actually had moved on. Nixon grabbed his hat off the desk in the manager's office of the auto shop and placed it backwards on his head. The night was getting late and he'd long since finished the work he needed to do for the day. He merely stuck around the place because it was more of a home to him than his apartment was. Somehow he had been fortunate enough to be able to reclaim his old apartment, but still. Nixon didn't find much comfort within the walls because he was often alone with nothing more than the television and his thoughts to keep him company, two things that didn't do his depression any favors. So he put in good effort to stay away from home for as long as possible. Still, he couldn't surround himself with automobiles forever and would probably need some sleep if he wanted to get up at a decent hour tomorrow, so he left. The walk home was quiet and cool. The evening breeze blew right through his shirt and chilled his skin, but he paid it no mind. His blood always ran unusually hot so it actually felt pretty nice. He even allowed himself a moment to enjoy the peacefulness before entering his apartment complex. Once he got upstairs he'd probably have to find some place that was open and delivered because he knew for a fact that he only had beer in his fridge. Maybe tomorrow before work he would do some grocery shopping. He needed to pick up the refill for his anti-depressants anyway. Breathing out a sigh, Nix looked down for a second to grab his keys once he reached his floor. The tiny pieces of metal were just taken into his hand when a petite little thing thumped into his chest. Maybe he should have felt surprised when he looked up to see who it was, but he really wasn't. "Is it? All that working out must be paying off." Despite the teasing nature of the comment, his expression stayed relatively flat. "Hey Ry. Did you want to come inside? Sorry I wasn't in when you knocked. Just finished work." Nixon cocked an eyebrow and jingled his keys, signalling her to make a decision.

TAG: RYAN BAI LIN OUTFIT: click WORDS: WORDS HERE NOTES: eeek! finally

but i would rather feel the sting than never to have felt a thing------------------

anger was what had brought her to his door and out of the badly lit library. she was not really sure what to do now that her feet had marched her up the stairs and to his door, well his old door. ryan actually had no idea if this was his door anymore or not. he might have relocated, moved in with hunter, stayed at the shop—there was a myriad of choices for her to pick from. she had a lot of options at this moment but instead of going through them, weighing the good and the bad, ryan remained frozen in front of his door. she could feel her blood running cold, jumping back at any sound even if they did not even come from the direction of the door. his neighbour appeared at one point and looked to the girl with a curious gaze, she did not take notice. the only thing in her view was the blue door and the possibility that nixon was behind it. something told her he wasn’t though. there was some relief in that option but then there was also disappointment. he was like a flame and she was the naïve moth thinking that it had found sanctuary. all he did was bring her pain. why was she even standing here? bending down, ryan grabbed for the bag that had dropped off her shoulders, her laptop and books tumbled to the apartment hallway floor. she had not really taken notice of it but now, she checked over for any damage and found them to be to just fine. relief again washed over her as she turned her back and started for the apartment steps. fucking piece of junk place needed and elevator. this was ridiculous. just as she reached for the knob, someone else had turned it for her and though ryan should have released the handle, she was too wrapped up in her own world and the door was pulled by her and pushed by him. the extra force should have been enough for ryan to sideswipe past the person but when she physically collided with that person, her head finally came out of the cloud.

the voice was so addicting, she could already feel herself being pulled back in again as he let out a small joke but he still had that solemn look, the one of discontent. he smiled around her, or he used to, sometimes. she had loved when did though, showing that she was actually in the cracks of his foundation and was making progress. he could not be grumpy all the time. ”might just be your whole demeanor…”, her sass coming out to play right off the back. she had lost that fire recently, been in a bit of a slump and ryan knew exactly why. he lit that fire as well as fuelled it, without nixon, she was just a bookworm with an attitude problem. it felt good to put some fighting words into the air, it helped to relieve the tension. ryan could not just pretend that everything was okay and when he giggled his keys, she scowled, ”not a kitty cat, nixon. don’t need to lure me with toys.” and though she was tempted to step around him at that moment, the offer to come into his apartment still lingered. curiosity was getting the better of her, she wanted to know if his apartment was still the same or if he had finally gotten rid of that disgusting couch that they loved to fool around on because the bedroom was just too far away. she played with the ring on her right hand, her eyes falling to the floor, ”and i didn’t actually…knock on the door.”, actually admitting her cowardice. she had chickened out and she had the chance to again, right here, right now. the offer was still on the table and she bit down on her bottom lip with a nod, ”but…sure, i guess i have time before my next class.”, a lie, she was finished for the day since it was nearly six in the evening. she never was a good liar but at least this gave her an excuse to leave when she needed to because being around nixon was dangerous, especially for her. she stepped to the side and soon followed after him, ”why are you back?...”, she questioned as soon as the door was opened and then closed behind them, leaning back and letting out a sigh at the definite click that came when the door was fully shut.

nixon costello, outfit, apt hallway, 767 , ughhhdafdsf i missed them

we're going down,

this road with tears in our rearview mirror. far from home but in the dark you know with me you've got nothing to fear, so let's run away------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Truth be told, Nixon wasn't sure what to make of his current situation. Yes, he had been expecting to run into her at some point, but not like this. He hadn't pictured her running straight into his chest within the walls of his former apartment complex. A few years ago, she would have been a sight for sore and tired eyes but now... now she was just going to be the source of a lot of heartbreak. Seeing Ryan in front of him now, looking all dazed and confused, it was enough to rouse up some old feelings that had been dormant ever since he left this town behind him in the dust. Part of him had been hoping that they wouldn't make a reappearance, because not feeling anything at all was a lot easier in his opinion, but clearly that wasn't an option. His heart started to beat a little quicker in his chest at the sight of her, and he would be lying if he said he wasn't feeling that same pull of attraction towards her that he did before. In fact, she looked a lot better than he remembered. Maybe it was the long absence that was messing with his mind, but he wanted her so badly it hurt. Nixon could almost feel his body aching for her touch again. He wanted her hands on him, to feel her warm skin beneath his lips, to break in his new apartment furniture with her. Before he'd left, every surface within his apartment had traces of her lingering on them. Of course the counter tops and walls were all still the same, but he'd finally done a bit of upgrading on the interior design. His couch was nicer, though already broken in a little bit because most nights that was where he slept. The mattress in his room as new as well, but he hardly ever touched it. Everything inside his apartment just felt kind of empty and hollow now and he didn't really want any part of it, which was why most of his nights were spent within the office of the auto shop. A small hint of a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as the familiar fire flickered within her. Her temperament had always been his favorite part about her. It was one of the things that could actually make him smile, though that particular expression was currently lost to him. The only time he really smiled anymore was whenever he was within the company of his best and only friend, Hunter. And even then, the two of them spent a lot of their time brooding and hating life with one another. Ryan had been the one to introduce him into the gentler side of life, but he'd lost that after he'd given her up. "Could be. I've always been a cold bastard." Well, that wasn't exactly true. He hadn't been that way with her really. She softened him up a little. Even now he could feel subtle tendrils of warmth working their way through him. He just chose to ignore them for now. "I'm fully aware. You did quite well without toys." A dark, suggestive glaze cast over his eyes momentarily, but it was gone a moment after because it wasn't his place to suggest anything. Of course he wanted her, and he imagined she still felt the same intoxicating pull towards him, but perhaps doing anything right now might be a mistake. Especially since he wanted her to move on and whatnot. "No? Should have left a little sooner then. Would have spared you from seeing me." Nixon dropped his hand with the keys and stepped around her to reach his door. Having her come inside was most likely another bad idea, since it would only intensify his desires and feelings toward her. The offer had already been laid out on the table though, and she was foolish enough to accept. He unlocked the door and opened it, holding it open so that she would step through it first, trying to be a gentleman or something like that. Once they were both inside, he closed the door behind him, not bothering to lock it again. "That's a good question." He took a moment to wander over to the fridge and pull out a beer. "You want one?" he asked, delaying his answer to the question a little longer.

TAG: RYAN BAI LIN OUTFIT: click WORDS: WORDS HERE NOTES: me too <3

but i would rather feel the sting than never to have felt a thing------------------

when nixon has skipped out on her, ryan never thought that she would recover. her grades began to slip lower than ever before, her hair lost that lack luster, she had turned into this drone, just living for her parent’s desires. they had no idea what had promoted this sudden slope in their daughter’s attitude but they worked to fix it. they had tried to win their daughter’s affections over with sweets and a trip to the city and boring stuff like that. then they had found a nice boy who was also adopted and had a lot in common with her—though ken and ryan had nothing in common. they were so polar opposite that he actually was boring to her. but it was her parent’s wishes, it was what they wanted her to do and ryan really, at the time, had nothing more to live for than that. now, things felt different. she could feel that spark that had been extinguished began to flicker to life again as soon as they had collided. she was quick to apologize like always but her words had bite to them which was something they had been lacking since his departure. but his reply to her comment made her attitude simmer down a little, giving a shake of her head in response. he was bastard, especially for just deserting her like he had, but then, he had that softer side that he let her see when they were alone together and she enjoyed that part just the same. he was complex and introverted but he let her see every single colour of her personality and ryan was always elated to find a new layer to nixon. ”you don’t have to act all tough, no one else is around…”, a playful broad smile coming to her lips but then her own words sunk in—they were alone. there was no one there to witness this reunion or know that the two of them had found one another again. ”oh nixon!”, she replied, lightly hitting his shoulder and feeling another spark of electricity between them, even if it was a minor tap. she always went in for a big hit but also ended up just tapping the person, ryan really needed to work on her physical aggression.

his words stung, and she physically flinched, eyes darting to the floor to his comment while her feet shuffled. she had been standing at that door for nearly ten minutes, trying to reason with herself why she should knock and why she shouldn’t knock. in the end, her fear outweighed any result and she took off running when she should have just knocked. she had just been frozen, unable to bring herself to actually raise her hand and let a reunion happen. ”guess this was meant to happen then…eventually.”, because even though she went to school in the city, she lived in this town. they were bound to run into one another once more. but then another thought struck her—he didn’t even tell her that he was back. he didn’t want her to know but inevitably she would have found out and the longer time went on without her knowing, the more her anger would have grown and most likely exploded. she stepped back, lost in her thoughts but stupidly, blindly, following behind him back to the door as he opened it. she stepped in first and sighed to the new view. it was all new, it was all stale looking but she turned to give him a glance, ”wow, nice place….”, though not entirely appreciated. her entire history with him had been in the old apartment but maybe that was the entire point. leaning into the door, being sure that she had a small quick means to escape, the girl raised an eyebrow as her question was met with a politician’s answer. it was a run around, a means to just distract her and make her believe that he had given her everything she needed to know. fuck no. she had a million questions for him in her head. stepping away from the door, she followed his lead toward the kitchen and leaned into the frame. ”sure.”, though she was not a beer drinker, or much of one unless ken or her best friend dragged her away from her studies. she reached for the bottle and twisted the cap off, tossing it onto the counter, ”i answered your question, now you answer mine. why are you back?”, she repeated but this time more force was put into the question, stressing the urgency. she needed to know for her own knowledge and for her own sanity. taking a sip of the beer, she turned her head to make a face to the taste that lingered in her mouth, shaking her head before looking over to him, waiting for his response.

nixon costello, outfit, apt hallway, 820 , ughhhdafdsf i missed them

we're going down,

this road with tears in our rearview mirror. far from home but in the dark you know with me you've got nothing to fear, so let's run away------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nixon couldn't help but to shrug at her words. Maybe he didn't have to act tough, but he did anyway. He always did. There was this air of hostility that constantly followed him around like it was his shadow. Once upon a time, he hadn't always been this way. Before his sister killed herself, he'd only been kind of an asshole. Or, well, he hadn't been so pessimistic and out of his fucking mind. That time was so far behind him now that he could hardly remember what it had been like to not feel so angry and fucking depressed all the time. It was true that he found some peace when Ryan was around, but she could never really cure him. He would always be angry and depressed and reckless. She couldn't fix him the way he knew she once wanted to. All of his fighting and careless behavior scared her back when they'd been together. Nixon had tried his hardest to be a little bit better for her sake, but they hadn't been together for a long time now and being out in the world with Hunter had only reintroduced him to his long lost love; fighting. His favorite variety were the ones he knew he wouldn't be able to win because he was a masochist. Nixon liked to feel pain because he deserved it. One day he hoped he wouldn't be able to get back up and walk away from a fight, but so far that hadn't happened because he usually had Hunter by his side or his opponents would walk away before anything fatal happened. Still, he would soften up if it meant appeasing the girl in front of him. "I just got back from the shop. You'll need to give me a few minutes to come down from all the testosterone and bravado." He smirked and rolled his eyes, showing her a bit of that easier going guy he could be if he wanted to. "What? I'm just telling the truth." Nixon was still grinning even after she hit him. No matter how hard she tried, he doubted that Ryan would ever be able to cause him any real damage. She didn't know how to pack a hard punch or... maybe she just didn't have it in her to actually hurt him. "Yeah, we were destined to see one another again sooner or later." Personally, he had been hoping for later. He wanted more time to settle into his old home and prepare himself for eventually seeing her again. He needed time to convince himself that seeing her face wouldn't do anything to him or change what he wanted for her. Whether or not she had given him enough time was still up in the air. His feelings towards her were starting to rile up within him, but he was doing a fairly decent job of suppressing them so far... well, except for when he invited her inside his apartment. They needed to talk though, and he realized that. Nixon was sure that she had questions that she wanted answers to and he owed that much to her at least. "It's still a shit hole, but I made some upgrades. The couch had more holes in it when I got here and the end tables were shit. Last resident didn't take care of anything." He shrugged some. That was another reason he got rid of everything. He didn't like the idea of sharing furniture with the previous owner of the apartment because had no idea what they had done on the various surfaces within the place. "Here." Nixon grabbed an extra bottle and slid it over towards her. He knew she didn't take to beer all that well, but it was all he had in the fridge currently. She would have to deal with it for now. "I'm back because I want to be. Hunter and I didn't do so well outside of New York. Coming back seemed like the best idea." After taking a deep breath after, he sighed and sat at one of the chairs surrounding his kitchen table. Might as well get comfortable since he was sure there were going to be a lot more questions following her first one. "What else do you want to know?" With his elbows resting on the table, Nixon propped his chin up and looked over to her.

TAG: RYAN BAI LIN OUTFIT: click WORDS: WORDS HERE NOTES: me too <3

but i would rather feel the sting than never to have felt a thing------------------

the shrug just gave her an itch that she could not scratch because ryan learned long ago that nixon was never going to change, not for anyone. but, he did reveal a different side to himself when they had been an item, when she slept on the couch with him, when they watched movies together, when he watched her study—but that was all in the past. now, it doesn’t seem that long ago, but when he was gone, every day just dragged out to the point of insanity. ryan felt herself losing her mind without him. the lack of sleep that she got, the little studying that she did, anyone who knew her knew that she was not herself. but even after starting to get back into the routine of not having nixon around and hitting the books again, finding a new boyfriend, ryan could still tell that she was not herself. she was never going to be without nixon. he was a part of her and she just felt empty every single day but the pain just numbed out and ryan ignored it. she had accepted that he was not going to come back for her after a couple of weeks and then the months passed, her university graduation sailed by, acceptance to her top law school came and he wasn’t there for any of it. ryan had no way to contact him to tell him about the news and after a while, she wondered if she even wanted him to know. she did now. she wanted to know every bit of information that she could about where he had went, how far away he had gone from her—it was a closure thing. but that could wait. they needed to get this formalities out of the way, the part where they both pretend that there is no spark left and they talk like friends, or even just acquaintances. ”take all the time, i assume it’s difficult going from caveman to civilized human..”, the smile returning as she was just playing around, though ryan knew most of the guys down by the shops and most of them were quite moronic in both thought and antics. she gave her head a shake but a chuckle slipped out as she looked to the floor, waiting for the light blush to seep back into her skin. her hand actually kind of throbbed a little from hitting his shoulder with the lightest tap. she really had no strength about her, physically, emotionally, that was a whole other story.

she nodded in agreement but was still looking to the floor, feeling her cheeks heat up again. she was lucky that her hair had grown out long enough to hide this simple pink glow to her cheeks. ”it is a small town. people talk…”, or text which is how she had gotten news of his recent return but that did not mean that it stung any less. she had kind of hoped that she would have actually seen him before she had to go seeking for him. the shop would have been a better idea or the local bar, but that was never a good thing to witness with him. ryan had seen, firsthand, a couple of his fights and be honest, they scared her. the aggression that he had in his eyes and how fast and hard he hit another person startled her. it was a side of nixon she had never seen and after the first one, she tried to avoid seeing it. she followed him into the apartment, letting the door shut behind them and leaning into it. the place was different but as he explained, she understood why he needed to change it. ”wonder what happened on that couch…”, she muttered out, stepping away from the door and putting her hands on the back of the new one, leaning into the back of it as he walked around her to the kitchen. how did a couch get more holes in it? she shook her head to the thoughts that were rising up and instead, trailed after him but leaned against the doorframe instead of actually entering the kitchen. ”thanks…”, reaching for the disgusting beer as she twisted the cap off. she let it aerate for a moment while waiting for her question to be answered, ”…where did you go..”, she asked while taking a long sip of the beer. it didn’t go down smooth, the taste lingered but it was taking the edge off this conversation. she was not a complete light weight but ryan had yet to actually eat anything except for this morning so the effects of this beer would come faster, she just had to wait. she followed him with her eyes first and then walked over, sitting down in the chair next to him but leaned back as far as she could, creating some distance, ”why did you leave…?”, she wanted more indepth of an answer, it was not quite the question that she wanted to ask but ryan was too much of a coward to ask, right now , the real question she wanted answered—why did he leave her?

nixon costello, outfit, apt hallway, 871 , i can't...

we're going down,

this road with tears in our rearview mirror. far from home but in the dark you know with me you've got nothing to fear, so let's run away------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Perhaps there were other sides to Nixon that were a little more... gentle than his overall exterior, but those parts of him had long since died with the absence of Ryan because she hadn't been there to nurture and draw those parts of him out from all the bad he carried around like a shield. After he left, it hadn't taken him long to revert back to his old ways. Without Ryan there to stop him, or offer him a reason to not go charging recklessly into a fight, he started limping his way back home with a face so bloody he could hardly see three feet in front of himself. He and Hunter both began to walk down a very familiar, very dangerous path after they left Pearl River. THe original game plan had been to keep their heads down low so they could escape from all the drama they left in their wake back in New York, but of course that dream didn't last long. It was only a matter of weeks before they familiarized themselves with the gangs in their new territory and started to create bad reputations for themselves all over again. Maybe that was the real reason why they were back. Things were starting to get pretty heated between himself, Hunter, and the gangs over on the west. Leaving seemed like the best option since the last thing they needed was another few murders hanging over their heads. For the longest time, Hunter was really the only person he ever made conversation with. Now that he was back in New York though, there were quite a few people who were trying to hold his attention for more than a few minutes at a time. His parents even caught wind of his return and attempted to reach out to him. He kept denying their calls until eventually they took the hint and just stopped. Maybe in a few more weeks he would go see them again, but he wasn't sure that would really be what was best for them. He doubted they wanted to see how monstrous their son had grown. "It does take a little while, so please forgive me. I'll try my best to be decent though." Nixon nodded to her before moving over to his door. That was the least he could do for her; attempt to be civil. Nixon nodded again in acknowledgement. He was fully aware that people in this town couldn't ever keep their mouths shut when something new happened. He knew that she would find out about his return sooner or later and he knew that at some point they would get together like this and she would find out everything she needed to know in order to find herself some closure. Of course it wouldn't be a pleasant experience for either of them, but it needed to happen he supposed. Nixon wasn't exactly in the mood to go through all of this now though. He was tired and flat. Tomorrow he would need to get up early to open the shop. However, it wasn't as if he could just kick her out now. They were past that point, and he would never be able to bring himself to deny her company when she sought him out. "I asked myself the same question before I threw it out." The thought had been fleeting, but he felt a sort of bitter resentment towards whoever ruined it because of all the fond memories he had that involved that couch. However, he got over it and remembered that he didn't need to keep the couch as a momento to be able to recall all the things that happened here within this apartment. "Hunter and I traveled west. Didn't really settle in one place. Moved around a bit before coming back here." They stayed in one place for a while, then moved a few towns over. Kept going back and forth until finally they just decided it was time to return back home. This seemed to be the only place they were comfortable enough to make a static home out of... even if they were the black sheep of the town. "We left because we got into some serious trouble. I tried to warn you before we got together Ry... I'm not a good guy. I come with a lot of baggage and well... we did something that would have gotten us into a lot of trouble if we didn't leave. And I didn't want to risk bringing you down with us by having you come." He was careful to leave out the major detail of them killing some guys in order for Hunter to claim his freedom from the gang, but he was sure she could come to that conclusion if she thought hard enough about it. He just didn't have the stomach to tell her that he was actually a murderer.

TAG: RYAN BAI LIN OUTFIT: click WORDS: WORDS HERE NOTES: me too <3

but i would rather feel the sting than never to have felt a thing------------------

that was something about nixon that ryan always appreciated—he valued her own values. he cared enough not to curse too much or not to snicker (most of the time), when she put in her own substitute, he was careful about how vulgar he spoke of their relationship. it was refreshing not to have a guy, like ken or her father, speaking down to her and not taking her own conversation preferences into consideration. she knew he was teasing but ryan also knew that nixon’s words held some truth to him, ”much appreciated.”, she teased back but her words held a lot of truth to them. he was the only one that really understood her and cared about what she cared about, it was kind of refreshing. but now, she was making a bit of a blunder in her plan to walk away by heading into the direction of his apartment door. it was so inviting, he was so intoxicating and this was such a mistake but she followed him in, shutting the door quietly behind them as to keep their reunion a continuing hush-hush kind of thing. it always seemed to be that way with the duo anyway. sliding into the apartment and resting her hands on the back of the new couch, she wrinkled her nose to the thoughts that rushed through her mind about the old one—the one with all the memories. she missed that couch but it had obviously been tainted by the person after nixon and well, she completely understood why getting rid of the old couch turned out to be for the better. turning her head quickly, she unwrinkled her nose and flashed him a smile, some tresses falling into her face, ”i know what i am thinking about what happened to the couch…what was your verdict?”, being a little more playful and giving him that rare chance to be more vulgar around her as she stepped around and sat down on the couch quickly before standing up. it was firm but there were dips in the upholstery from where, she assumed, nixon had been sleeping. wrinkling her nose again, the brunette stood up and followed him into the kitchen, brushing a hand through her hair.

after getting her beer from him and settling down at a dining room table, things felt a little more serious. the conversation was going to take the inevitable turn where she shot out question after question and he could choose to answer them—but she figured he would. he had nothing to hide anymore since he had actually returned back to the scene of the crime, technically. she nodded as he spoke of going out west, a dream of hers but it was always unspoken. her eyes lit up a little to the mention of even leaving this town but ryan, she didn’t even have the guts to leave the county, let alone the state. but she admired his bravery, the fact that he did it but her smile dropped when her second question was answered. she felt her brows furrow and she chewed on her bottom lip while her eyes dropped to the floor. ”trouble…you got into…trouble..”, she repeated the words before her hand dropped off the table, nearly taking her beer bottle with it. it was all clicking at that moment. how had she not realized it before? shaking her head, she brought a quivering hand to her mouth and actually stood up, running her other hand through her hair, trying to wrap her head around this. turning around to face him, dropping her hand from her mouth and nixon directly in the eyes, ”it was you two…it was you and hunter. you put this town in a frenzy and then left it!”. it was not a question. she knew it was the truth. she had read about it in the papers for weeks. maybe a part of her always knew that it was their fault but her emotional attachment to the two idiots kept her from believing it. it was just a coincidence is what she had been telling herself and then that lie became her reality. looking to nixon, her eyes moistened now, ”did you ….?”, now standing behind the chair like it was a protective shield, ”you couldn’t have…you fight but you don’t…you wouldn’t…”, once again, trying to talk herself out of the idea that it was hunter and nixon who killed those boys in the forest. her whole body was in tremors to the thought of nixon actually pulling this heinous crime off and being a murderer and a liar. how did the image that she had of him be this wrong? how could she had been so stupid?

nixon costello, outfit, apt hallway, 794 , i can't.../cries forever

we're going down,

this road with tears in our rearview mirror. far from home but in the dark you know with me you've got nothing to fear, so let's run away------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During the start of their relationship, Nixon allowed himself to believe that maybe he was actually a little good for Ryan. She was surrounded by people who only wanted her to follow the plans they had made for her. None of them could take a minute to step back and ask her what it was that she wanted to do with her own life. Except for him. He was the only one who seemed to be capable of pushing her to work towards goals and desires that she made for herself because he believed that was what she deserved. She was her own person with thoughts and dreams, not just some little drone that her parents could program to do whatever it was they wanted her to. Regardless of his encouragement for her to do things on her own terms, he was still a bad influence. There were all kinds of ominous shadows hanging over his head which, in turn, were hanging over hers when she had been involved with him. Of course he would never intentionally allow anything bad to ever happen to her, but he had seen what criminals can do to hurt other criminals. Hunter had his own girlfriend beaten and nearly raped. It scared her so much that she left him the very second she could. Nixon didn't want that for Ryan. However, he didn't have reason enough to really stop seeing her until he became a murderer and temporarily lost touch with his humanity. "I think a pot smoker lived here, burned some more holes in it and covered it with a lot more bodily fluids that don't belong to you or me." Nixon shrugged. He hadn't cared that much about it when he threw the piece of tarnished junk out. It was only after that he realized everything that had happened on that old couch and mentally cursed the bastard who ruined that for him. Now he was just sort of neutral about it. His new furnishings didn't have any memories tied to them to torment him when he got home... so that was something he supposed.  After the beers were handed out and he took his seat and she asked her questions, Nixon got quiet again when he finished his explanation. He knew her reaction to it was going to be poor. Once she tied everything together, she would finally be able to see him for the monster he really was and nothing would ever be the same between them again. Ryan would run back to the normal life she was now leading and never give him a second thought because he was a killer and who would ever want to have any part in that? To dull the pain of what was about to happen, Nixon finished off the rest of his beer and got up to open the fridge and grab another one. He twisted off the cap and downed half of it as he watched the cogs behind her eyes begin to turn as she processed everything. "Yeah, that's what i'm saying." Well, he hadn't stuck around long enough to really see how crazy the town went after what had happened, but he imagined everything must have been chaotic for a long while. Murders never happened in this little town. "I would if it meant saving Hunter's life and staying alive for...." you. That's how he meant to finish the sentence, but he stopped himself short since that wouldn't really make sense since he left her afterward. "Otherwise, I probably would have let them kill me instead of the other way around." Despite her defensive nature, Nixon sat back down in his chair and stared down at his beer bottle because he couldn't stand to watch her attempting to shield herself from him. As if he would actually lash out and hurt her. "If you don't have any more questions, you're free to leave whenever you want. I'm not going to hurt you." Slowly, almost cautiously, he lifted his gaze to meet hers. There was something broken in his eyes, but he didn't expect her to feel sympathy towards him.

TAG: RYAN BAI LIN OUTFIT: click WORDS: WORDS HERE NOTES: my heart </3

[/quote]

but i would rather feel the sting than never to have felt a thing------------------

he had been her breath of fresh air, something that she needed in her life. he could have refuted it as much as he wanted, even denied it completely and stood his ground but she knew the truth. her entire life had been listening to her parents, obeying their every command, their wishes, putting their desires above her own but when nixon walked into her life, ryan could breath again and do it freely, on her own, at her own pace. she found herself turning her back to her parents’ words and finally living her life the way that she saw it. sure, she still studied what they wanted her to and she was now with a boy that they whole heartedly approved of but that was because nixon had left and she felt suffocated again. ryan had felt completely lost and turned around without nixon there because at the end of the day, ryan was not as independent as she convinced herself to be. she needed someone to guide her and nixon had been taking her hand and leading her away from the cushioned life that her parents had set up for her. when he left, her parents had to take her hand again. she fell back into the same rhythm as before. her footsteps fell back in line with her parents, their wishes went above hers and she forgot all about having her own life again. she nodded as he spoke of what happened to the couch, her brows furrowing and giving a shake of her head, ”ew.”, was really the only thing that she could say to that description. she liked the idea of being the only one, beside himself, to have made a mark on the couch in the beginning but someone had tainted it. she had a brief thought about making that couch hers again but that quickly vanished as she occupied her hands and her mind with the beer that he handed her.

the once elated ryan was now solemn, needing her questions to be answered as she pushed them out at a rapid fire pace—or it felt that way. really, she was giving him time to answer but the most important question slipped from her lips and his answer left her breathless and, honestly, fearful. she shook her head in disbelief, her beer hitting the table a little harder than intended as her mind formed the correct conclusion but she was unable to wrap her mind around it. a killer. he was a murderer. he ended someone’s life. she had thought of him to be a prick, an asshole, a deserter but this was far worse of a label—murderer. ”i get that.”, she snapped back while rising out of her seat when he did. she wasn’t sure why she stood up or why the chair was suddenly in front of her and she was gripping the back of it with a finger numbing grip, her knuckles draining of colour along with her face. ”…for what?”, she hated when he trailed off or never finished his thoughts. just once, she wanted to know what this man was thinking. he was so hard to read, so confusing and now, she was completely confused about how to react. most people would have ran out the door already and the thought had crossed her mind when the conclusion was made—but she knew him. she knew of the goodness in him and the sweet side, the romantic side and it kept her feet grounded. ”w-what…happened? what actually happened? why …did this happen!?”, rushing hands through her hair, one after another and repeating the process, her final words making her tug at her foots before dropping her hands to rest back on the chair. she scoffed to the words, it was in her nature to be defensive when she was scared and it often got her into a lot of trouble, ”but you did nixon…you…”, not thinking before she spoke, ”killed me by leaving….”, rather he killed the fun girl that had been with, that he helped to create. he broke her heart, her trust, her ability to believe in anyone because out of anyone in this world, she thought he would be the last one to cause that much pain. ”i have a million fricking questions…but i can’t think of any…all i can think of is it”, putting a light cushion under his act, not actually acknowledging what he did, euphonizing the entire thing for her own sanity and for his sake. ”do…do you have questions for me?”, her eyes going from the floor to the two beer bottles on the table and then finally to his gaze. she looked at the chair and finally realized her defensive actions, slipping around to the front and sitting down in front of him again. her hands gripped the side of the seat, rocking herself forward and backward but not breaking her eye contact with him as she took slow, even breaths to relax herself.

nixon costello, outfit, nixon's apartment, 845 , done. i'm so finished </3